Alec's truth
by FreyaVenus
Summary: Alec reflects on his life, his siblings, sexuality and finally his decision to be with Magnus.
1. Chapter 1

There are three things I know about myself. I would gladly die for any of my siblings. I am invisible and I matter the least, to everyone around me.

All my life I have been taught to do my duty, kill demons and listen to the Clave. I kill without hesitation and do the Clave's bidding because I understand that it is my life's purpose. My mother and father need me to be the best, to run the institute and to uphold our family name. The Lightwoods would be synonymous with hard work and integrity. It has been my duty to do so from the time I was born. I used to envy other children who received affection so openly from their parents. I never did. My parents were molding me to be a leader and that meant I could not afford to have a weakness.

'Love is a weakness', my mother used to say. I believed her but I also could not deny that I loved Isabelle and later on Max when he came along. Somehow it was acceptable to love them. It was natural and perfectly normal. Isabelle did not understand the world we lived in like I did. She would come to me for hugs as a child, demand that I play with her and I could never say no to her. I wanted to protect this little girl from all harm. She was the source of my happiness. I knew it was not going to be long before she too started training and then she would learn of the ugliness that made up the world.

She was a gifted Shadowhunter. She did not have to train as hard as me to be good at what she did and I was glad for it. It meant that when we went out on hunts she would be able to take care of herself. We trained together, helping each other out. Somehow she managed to retain the happiness that I adore most about her. She saw the world for what it was and still managed to see the beauty in it. She was the joy I desperately needed.

All notion of being normal went out of the window the moment I met Jace Wayland. He was supposed to be a brother. Mother and father took him in because he was an orphan. We trained together and lived together. He became a part of our family. For the longest time, I could not explain what I felt for him. It was wrong. He was a boy, as was I, and yet I found myself attracted to him. It was so confusing. I knew then that something was so wrong with me. There had to be. No one had ever spoken about two boys being together, romantically. It just did not happen.

One night I gave up calling myself names and hating myself. I looked up boys being together. I expected to find nothing, maybe a doctor who could help with my perversions but nothing more. I was shocked to find out that there were others like me. There were pictures and videos. They were intriguing. It was as though someone had looked inside my mind and created all this content. I was conflicted now, I knew this was wrong but I could not stop my body from reacting to this visual.

That night I touched myself for the first time, in the darkness of my room I allowed my perversions to guide me as I brought myself to a blissful peak. The moment the haze of pleasure cleared, I felt a deep shame in my actions. I knew right then I would not allow myself to do this again. My shame intensified every time I saw Jace. My feelings for him were wrong; I need to get rid of them. I just did not know how. So I poured my soul into training, making myself better than ever. I sparred with everyone, embracing the pain. I needed to be punished for thinking these thoughts.

When Jace asked me to be his parabatai, it was the happiest day of my life. I was to be soul bound to him forever. I accept it quickly. Later I regretted this. My feelings for him were bad without even sharing a soul, now they would probably get worse. Once the ritual was over I knew that this was either the best thing or the worst thing to have happened to me.

Jace and Izzy still spent most of their free time with me. We would do little things like watch movies together or play games. It was the only fun I ever had. All this was of course, another type of torture because of my unresolved feelings for Jace. Then Max came along and there was yet another person I would die for. He was helpless. So small and fragile. I knew I loved him the moment I saw him. I vowed to be the best big brother and to protect him from any danger. I knew deep down there was only so much that I could do. He had been born into one of the most dangerous places. He too will one day train to kill demons and put his life at risk.

Max's arrival also marked the change of an era. Izzy and Jace changed. They started sneaking out of the institute for parties. They'd return early in the mornings sometimes drunk, other times just exhausted. They no longer had as much time for me. I was alone most of the time. I wanted to go out there but there was so much work to be done at the institute. So I stayed back and did it instead. I covered for them when they were out and even the next morning if they were hungover. I always told them to be careful. Mother and father had realized what was going on but did not say anything because they knew I had it under control.

Things changed yet again when they started sneaking out to go on dates. I knew this was normal, but I still was not happy about it. I did not trust the guys Izzy went out with. Downworlder's could not be trusted. She would tell me about her dates despite knowing I had my reservations. She was my little sister and I could not even begin to imagine her holding hands with some guy, let alone kissing him. She spared no detail, explaining what the boys had said and done and what she had done. I envied her confidence. Unbeknownst to her, I soaked up every detail about the guys. I would never experience that so I allowed myself to live a little, vicariously through her.

Jace did the same, which hurt more than I could ever admit to myself. When Jace came home early one morning after going back with a girl from the party he and Izzy attended, I felt my heart break. I listened to him talk about how amazing the night was, confirming that he would never feel the way I felt about him. Izzy came to me later to ask if I was alright. I lied about a headache and she left. I could tell she did not believe me but it wasn't like I could tell her the truth either. Not long after that she too came home with a story of her own. She had been with a Seelie. He was handsome and claimed to love her. She told me she did not love him, but she did want him. She seemed a little different that night. She woke me up in the middle of the night, asking if she could sleep with me.

It was strange. Neither Jace nor Izzy had slept with me in years. They used to like it before we all grew too old. She hugged me so tight, I knew something was wrong. I asked her about it but she did not seem very willing to speak. She needed me to be there for her and I was. Later she told me that she had not been expecting to feel as vulnerable as she did. After that night she emerged stronger somehow. As time went by the number of both Jace's bedmates and Izzy's slowly increased. It seemed like they had both found a new hobby. No one ever stuck around for too long. I could not decide if that was a good or bad thing. It never affected the work they did and I never found it my place to say anything.

My siblings were adults who had the right to share their bodies with whoever they wanted, hell even I was. If only I could get over the shame I felt for only wanting other guys. One night I decided to sneak out after both Izzy and Jace had gone to bed. It was dangerous and stupid to leave the institute with informing anyone. Things were so tense with mother and father expecting more from me than I felt I could ever give. Whenever Jace and Izzy came back they were always relaxed and in a good mood. I need some of that tonight. I made my way to the club they frequented, ordered myself a drink and just sat there in the darkened room with too loud music. I noticed a couple of girls giggling in my general direction.

I felt even more awkward now. I had no idea what to do. Do I smile? Or worse still did they know? Suddenly I was filled with paranoia. I never left the institute much, unless it was for work. I never met many people. Was it obvious that I preferred men over women? Did they know? Did they find me repulsive? I knew I was but I had really hoped no one would realize. A brunette approached me. She was short and pale. Her eyes green. She started talking to. I got the impression she was flirting. I had seen Izzy and Jace do it before both for work and in their own time. I did not know how to. I never learnt.

So I tried to reply all her questions as earnestly as possible. I felt her hands on my mine and I did not like the feeling of it. I let them stay there. This was normal. I could be normal for one night. Then he hands were on my thighs and I could feel her legs rubbing gently against mine. Her hands seemed to be headed north. The panic attack, that had been on the horizon from the moment she walked over intensified. I was already stammering, now I could hardly breathe. For some reason she took that as an invitation to come closer. Not knowing what to do anymore and not being able to stand how wrong this all felt I stood up. I saw her confusion, apologized really quickly and left.

I stood outside the club, the cold air helping me regain some calm. It was horrible. The feeling of her body against mine was not good. It was supposed to feel good right? Jace seemed to enjoy it. Izzy did too. They always spoke about how good it felt to be touched and to touch. I thought it was strange. I definitely did not enjoy it and I did not want to do it again. I knew I would have some time in the future, mother and father had made it very clear that they will chose a bride for me when the time was right. Just the thought of having to do the same thing and even more made me want to throw up.

I thought to myself that maybe I wouldn't even live long even for that to happen. It was no secret that shadowhunters died young. Many would not even see their forties; after all we led a risky life. Yeah, I might not make it I thought. Once again the thought of death was a comfort for me. I made my way back to the institute ready to sleep and forget that this day had even happen. Life went on just fine until Clary came along. She disrupted our dynamic as team and distracted Jace. I could hardly recognize him. He was always reckless and impulsive but this was worse.

Of course, I could not allow him to go into any type of danger alone so I followed him and did my duty. I would still gladly lay my life down for his. We broke rules and wrecked havoc. As a result the Clave became aware of our activities. I knew it was bad. It was the opposite of what our parents had asked of us. I knew there would be consequences I just hoped we would be strong enough to face to face them. The storm named Clary did not come alone. She brought her mundane sidekick with her and we were supposed to babysit him. He did not do as he was told; in fact he had gotten himself kidnapped by the vampires. It was annoying having to deal with a whiny little girl because her bestie had gotten kidnapped and on top of that still find the Mortal Cup.

On one occasion they had set up a meeting with Magnus Bane at a rave. Nothing about that plan was wise. We knew nothing about the warlock other than he was more powerful than the silent brothers. If we weren't in such a hurry that day I may have taken more time to appreciate that. They found Magnus quickly and I was told to blend in. Like I ever would in such a place. So I do what I do best. Find a way to protect them without them realizing.

Magnus was stunning. That was my first thought when I saw him. He was dressed to impress. He looked like he could grace the covers of one of Izzy's fashion magazines. Kohl rimmed eyes and those beautifully plump lips were perhaps the two most outstanding features on his face. I almost missed that a man was getting ready to attack him because of how attractive he was. Later I got mad at Jace for taking such a huge risk. I was mad but not only at Jace, at myself too. I allowed myself to be distracted and that could have gotten Jace hurt worse still, killed. I could never live with that. If anyone had to die on a mission it would be me. I was the expandable on.

Later we caught up with Magnus. We spoke briefly. Well, he spoke and I stuttered through the conversation. It was so embarrassing. I felt laid bare when he looked at me. It's like he saw through me. For the first time I had met someone who seemed interested in me as a person, not just a soldier who had order to follow.

It was crazy. I was seeing something that was not there. Why was this happening to me? So what if I found him attractive, it didn't mean a thing. I should have learnt lesson with Jace. I spent the rest of the time not meeting Magnus' gaze. It was embarrassing. Of course, he made things very hard by singling me out. He was friendly or was that flirty? Izzy looked amused and Jace seemed annoyed. This was so confusing. What was happening?


	2. Chapter 2

Things got worse for me from then on, Valak the demon who took Clary's memories made us relinquish a memory of our own. Of the one we loved most. 'Please be Izzy' I prayed as Jace's face popped up in the smoke. My secret was out and I had nowhere to hide anymore. I broke the bond, nearly killing Jace. I had to get out of there. I could not stay and watch them eye me with disgust. I could not bear to see disgust in Jace's eyes.

Magnus was perhaps the calmest person in the room, despite only just getting rid of a demon. He tried to be reassuring but years of self loathing and secretiveness won out. I brushed him off. He did not need to pacify me and I did not want to be around him. He had just witnessed my humiliation, he the one man I found attractive. 'Just my luck' I thought to myself.

That night I could not sleep. I tossed and turned. I even went for a short run to clear my head. Nothing worked. Magnus was on my mind. I kept thinking of him. This was not something that had happened to me before. Finally I gave in. Instead of stopping the thoughts of a beautiful warlock in my mind, I allowed it in. The way he said my name made a chill run down my spine. They way he looked at me, the way he spoke to. There was an intensity there that was definitely not there when he spoke to anyone else. I allowed myself to believe for a little while that he thought I was special.

He was the one on my mind as I stroked myself that night. I bit into my pillow as I came to avoid screaming out his name. It was intense. As I lay down after cleaning myself up, I realized something. I did not feel ashamed. I was by no means proud of myself but I did not feel the need to punish myself for such an act. As waves of sleep overtook me, a sparkly warlock was on my mind.

The content I had felt did not last very long. Clary was still running around trying to find the Cup and Jace was at her beck and call. Izzy kept dropping hints about Magnus I was purposefully avoiding and our parents were back. Things were escalating. I had to babysit Clary while Jace and Izzy ran an errand. But the errant half shadowhunter ran off without my knowing. I had been training and she was whining, when my phone rang. I answered immediately. I was surprised to find Magnus on the other end of the line. He asked me out, I think. Maybe he meant for it to be strictly business but maybe he actually wanted to get a drink with me, I was not too sure. I agreed to a drink but before we could decide on a date I realized Clary was gone.

So I quickly hung up on Magnus and went looking for her. Only after I found her did I realize that I hadn't set a date with Magnus. Did I break something before it even came to exist? I was unsure and worried. Of course that thought was not on my mind for long as Clary accused me of both being gay and in love with Alec. I felt attacked and in the moment said something completely childish.

I needed to calm down. I followed her to the loft, where she managed to get herself kidnapped. Jace then accused me of not looking after her. All this arguing with Jace was getting to me. We never argued as much. We found Clary with the wolves, thanks to Simon, words I never thought I would ever say. Luke helped get us out of there by challenging the Alpha. In doing so he was badly injured. My heart skipped a beat when they said; they were taking him to Magnus. An irrational part of me wanted to go along with them. Not to help Luke or Clary, but to see Magnus again. To make sure I was not reading the situation wrong. However, our mother was waiting for a report at the institute and I still had to answer to her.

Things with Jace were also rather strange. For the first time in forever I was not sure where we stood. There was unease in me as I watch him walk away with Clary and a badly wounded Luke. Back at the institute Izzy told me the craziest thing ever. Our parents were looking for a bride for me, to restore the Lightwood name. I was to be married. I always knew this day was coming, but I had not thought it would be so soon. The room seemed to shrink around me, I could not breathe. I was shaking. Instead of letting Izzy see me as weak and vulnerable I got angry, because I was. Clary caused this. She disrupted a working team and now I was to take the fall for this.

Of course, that was not the only reason I was mad. I have always been the good son, and when it came to making a sacrifice it was obvious that I would be the martyr of choice. I stormed off but not before telling Izzy how I felt about this. The look on her face when she gave me the news confirmed that she already knew a 'wife' is not something I ever wanted. As I reached my room I realized two things. I had no choice in the matter of my marriage and I would never get a chance to explore what could have been with Magnus. 'Maybe it's for the best' I told myself. Better to never know what something is like, then to know and be denied forever.

When Jace called I had half a mind to not pick up, but I was not a child and he was still my parabatai. He said that Magnus needed me. 'What would the most powerful warlock need from me?' I wondered. Finally after thinking on it for a while I left the institute for the loft. It was not too far away. When I got there Magnus was on the floor. He was pouring his magic into Luke. He looked exhausted and seemed like he was minutes away from passing out. Rushing to his aid, I held him. I knew he would need my energy. I had heard of this happening before. I also knew it was rather intimate to do so.

I offered it to him without hesitation. I had nothing to lose from this. I felt his magic invade my body. Every cell of my being felt electrified. Then I felt my energy come seeping out of me. I began to feel tired and it was like the adrenaline of being holding Magnus in my arms and being so close to him was wearing off. Finally, I felt him straighten up. It was done. He had helped Luke. That was when I noticed the way he was looking at me. There was a tenderness there that broke my heart. I wanted with everything in my being to lower my head and catch his partly opened lips with mine.

I did not know how to kiss but I felt as though I would manage it just fine. As my thoughts drifted to kissing Magnus, I suddenly became aware that we weren't the only people in the room. That brought me out of my tired haze. I helped Magnus onto his feet and then got up as well. As everyone around me ushered Luke to a room to rest, I stay in the living room. 'What had happened?' I asked myself. I was about to do something I never thought I would. It was something about Magnus that made me feel as though it was okay to want that.

Maybe it was a desperate act of rebellion? I knew I would be married soon. Mother and father must already have potential matches in mind by now. Good and reputable girls from upstanding families. That thought alone left a weird taste in my mouth. I was pacing the room. I needed to do something. I found a bucket of water and a piece of cloth and began to clean the couch. It was not fair for Magnus to clean up after we dragged our mess to him. As I cleaned I thought about what I was going to do. I needed a plan.

I heard Magnus before I saw him. He walked with the grace of a feline. A small smile ghosted over his lips as he watched me clean the blood of the couch. He fixed himself a drink and then one for me after insisting he could clean it up later with magic. When I disagreed and told him he had already done enough for the day shook his head while smiling. He was beautiful. The more we spoke the more I grew to enjoy his company. I could get sentences out with stuttering and when he asked me to stay; I didn't know what to say.

What did he mean? Did he just want to spend the night talking or was he expecting more from me. I was not completely sure what I was up for at the moment. He clarified that he only meant for us to get to know each other better. I felt silly to have thought he meant anything else. Of course he wanted to get to know me better. I suddenly felt very warm and could feel the beginnings of a blush rising on my cheeks.

He cleaned the couch magically and we spoke all night about ourselves and our lives. He sat next to me, his knee brushing mine every now and again. He touched me lightly on the arm every now and again as if to punctuate his story. He was a fascinating man. I craved those little touches. I was not sure if it was those cocktails he kept topping up or sheer joy that had me laughing and smiling. When I started to get sleepy he offered his bed, but my expression of surprise had him laughing softly. 'I mean to sleep in, Alexander' he said. In the end he magicked a pillow and a soft throw for me. I fell asleep on the couch.

In the morning I woke up a little disoriented and I was thirsty. I felt like something had died in my mouth. My head hurt and the sun was shining a little too bright. As I got up from the couch, I saw moment in the kitchen from the corner of my eye. "There's an unopened toothbrush in the bathroom, it's in my room right through there" said Magnus as he gestured towards a closed door. I was about to say it was okay before I realized that I actually really need to use the bathroom. I nodded knowing my voice would still be husky from sleep.

Entering Magnus' room, I was suddenly hyper aware of my surroundings. The room was pretty neat; a huge bed dominated the room. His bed was very big, perhaps the biggest I have ever seen. Not wanting to spend more time than I absolutely had to, I rushed to the bathroom and did everything I had to. When I went to the kitchen to thank Magnus I found him sat at the table with a hot cup of coffee. He smiled brightly. "Good morning Alexander, feel a little better?" he asked. "Yes" I replied.

"Ah I see. You're a little hung-over. Here, come have some coffee with me" Magnus said. He was so relaxed as though this was something I did from time to time. Just drop in, have a little too much to drink then fall asleep. Not wanting to leave yet I accept his invitation.

"So, how's Luke faring?" I asked, not exactly sure what else to say at the moment.

"He's fine, all healed already. He'll be leaving soon."

"Thanks. I know you did not have to help when Jace and Clary brought him here. It means a lot that you did" I said, hoping to convey my gratitude. "And thanks for last night, it was really nice. I have never, you know, just stayed up speaking to someone. I needed it. My life is getting really crazy" I added, and then cursed myself. I should have just kept quiet. Now I have made things weird.

"It was my pleasure Alexander, I would really like to keep talking to you now but I'm afraid you will be leaving me soon for the institute, but I am available whenever you want to talk and besides I am sure you remember that you do owe me a drink, some place that's not my home."

"Yeah, let's do that. Soon" I said. There were butterflies in y stomach as the words left my lips. Magnus seemed to be happy with what I said.

I finished my coffee and bade him farewell. It was time to return to the institute and face my real life, starting with my bride hunting parents.


	3. Chapter 3

I nervously swallowed when I saw Izzy. I had no reason to be nervous. It was not like I had done anything wrong and yet the sight of my sister dressed surprisingly like our mother made me nervous. I shook off the feeling as I approached her. She looked at, like she was studying me. It was uncomfortable. Suddenly I feel my headache return. It had become a dull throb by the time I left Magnus'. Now it's back.

I stupidly told her that I had not done much sleeping last night. Realizing how that sounded I quickly clarified that I had been helping out. Her disappointed sigh catches me off guard. I am surprised that she would do anything to imply that my staying with Magnus last night had been anything other than me doing my duty. When I asked her what she meant by that sigh she nonchalantly said "Nothing".

Feeling the need to tell her something more yet not disclosing every detail I tell her that Magnus had made cocktails. Not only was it true but given the state of my headache, it would become very obvious that I was not on my A game today. She listens and instead of asking any of the questions I had predicted she would asks she tells me that I do not talk to her enough.

I hate that she's right. She does tell me everything. It's not been something that I can do too because my situation did not allow me to. She tells me that she's ended it with Meliorn. I can see why she's making these changes and I tell her she can't change herself. I appreciate that she's trying to help, but it does not change anything. As I make my way to my room for a much needed shower, she follows me.

I know Jace is not back yet and I tell her that is going to get me into trouble. She tells me that won't happen because it's Jace. It's true but I need her to leave me alone to my thoughts for now, and so I leave. I realize that I should probably start talking about Magnus to her. After all she could help. With that thought I went ahead and enjoyed a nice shower, temporarily allowing myself to forget everything that was going on and thinking of just Magnus.

The events of last night and early this morning had me forget a pertinent fact. I am to be married. My parents had not yet informed me. For now I took solace in that fact, but it did not change the fact that it was to be my destiny. With a deep breath I returned to work.

My morning peace was disrupted when Jace called and asked for Izzy and me to meet him at the precinct. They said they had the Cup but lost it. When we got there they tell us we what had happened. It was a mess. As Jace was trying to come up with a plan, Clary haf asked if Magnus could portal us inside. Ha! That was not happening. My short and rather curt "No" received yet another quiet whisper from Izzy. She elaborates on my very short answer but I see that her initial reaction has everyone curious.

I needed to talk to her about not making anything painfully obvious. So a plan was made and for that reason Izzy and I had to walk into the building in full sight of mundanes. I never liked not using glamour. As we stood looking around I took in the place, entrances and exits all the usual things.

Then we had to distract a cop. She was a in her late forties by the looks of it. Izzy turns to me and tells me to go distract her. Like I had any idea what to do. I tell her as much but she brushes it off like it does not really matter and starts unbuttoning my shirt. I stop her. This is her thing not mine. She tells me I am more type. She quietly adds that this would be good practice for asking Magnus out.

I must have looked at her like she was crazy because she looks me in the eye and reassures me that I have got this. So I go ahead and disaster ensues. I have no idea what I am saying. I have no idea how to say anything and make myself seem attractive. She looks bored. I thank Raziel that this is a mere mundane I will never see again. If this is so bad how much worse would it be with Magnus, someone I was actually attracted to.

After I make a mess of things, somehow we manage to get past the cop. We find our way to the basement where we cut the power. Izzy and I meet both Jace and Clary out the precinct. They have the cup but now we were being chased by demons.

We managed to get away from the demon infested precinct. As we entered a basement, I realized that someone would have to stall the demons in case any had tailed us. I decide to stay back to fight off any demons to buy enough time for Jace, Clary and Izzy to get back to the institute. Nothing mattered more than getting the Cup safely to the institute. When I voice my decision to hold off the demons Jace quickly disagrees. I assure him it's a one man task and Izzy backs me up. He reluctantly leaves.

I was confident that this would not be very difficult. A few minutes after they left the first demon came through the door. I nock my arrow and shoot. This was easy. Shooting arrows is something I could do in my sleep. After a while there are no more demons and I see Luke come through. Together we head in the direction they had left in earlier.

We find Clary first. She looks terrified. She looks at us with uncertainty in her eyes. Something clearly happened, I had no idea what. Luke tries to calm her down and reassure her that he really was Luke. I see ichor on the ground. She must have killed a demon. Once she believes Luke, we head back to the institute. Jace was running around making everyone work on tracking Clary. He was so engrossed in his task that he had not realized that Clary was right there.

I can see his eyes soften when he see her. He's posture changes, suddenly he seems more relaxed. I see them speaking but I can't hear anything. I see Izzy standing beside me, watching my reactions. I cannot turn away. I know I should. This is a moment between the two of them. I assuage my guilt by telling myself they in the center of the ops centre. I see Clary drag Jace's lips to meet hers. They kiss. It's full of passion and longing, like they have wanted to do that for a long time now. I feel a dull pain. It hurts to watch the man you've been in love with for your whole life kiss someone else. To see what it's like to be kissed and never feel.

I finally tear my gaze away from the couple still embraced in a lip lock. I need to go, get out of here. I hear Izzy call out to me as I walk away. I know she wants to comfort me but I don't want it. I want it to hurt. I need to feel the pain so I stop. I need to get rid of these feeling I harbored for Jace. It was ridiculous. As I make my way back to my room I know that it will take some time before I will stop being affected by Jace and Clary.

I take my clothes off and get into the shower. The hot water massages my aching muscle and washes away the events of today. As I get into my bed, I think of Magnus. I idly wonder what it would be like to kiss someone like him. Someone so beautiful and experienced. Would he laugh or find my inexperienced attempts endearing? Something tells me he would be a good teacher. Those are the last thoughts that cross my mind as I fall asleep.


End file.
